Too long...

I can't believe it's been so long since I have written anything, and even longer since I shared anything. Not that anybody reads this so I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I've had a long hard look at my life tonight, and it turns out that actually, I was very wrong about a lot of things. I've also been right about a lot of things, but I have indeed been equally very wrong. I've discovered I push people away, largely because they annoy me, but also because I'm scared of being hurt. I used to have some really great friends, and yes they had their faults, and so did I, but in reality I never thought that they would drop me one by one. The first, my best friend since the first day of secondary school, well, I ended up sleeping with him. He claims I ruined his life. I realise now I should have stopped thinking with my lady bits, because I made a huge mistake that cost me the best friend I'd ever had. Then there was the girl I thought of as the sister I'd never had. She turned into a robot; only speaking when spoken to, no initiative of her own where the friendship was concerned, never there for me when I needed her, as well as an unfounded precedence and self-awareness that made her believe she was better than me. So we argued, I said things I didn't mean, and I said things I absolutely did mean, but needless to say she didn't take it well. Pointed out that if I thought her to be such a bad friend, then what did that make me? She did say if I could apologise that she would be there for me. Turns out that was a lie. Lastly, there was the girl who never really fit in, but understood how I felt about our other friends, and how I felt towards life too. We shared the same goals, though she was certainly well on her way to achieving hers, whilst I was being left behind. But I didn't resent her for it, she was meant to go on and do great things, and through no-one's fault but my own, I was meant for less. One day, she decides she doesn't want me in her life, because she was 'sick of [me] never being there for her'. In 8yrs of friendship, this was the first time I had not acted as her therapist, and justifiably so! How on earth was I to know she desperately needed a shoulder to cry on when she made no attempt to tell me? It's not like I had a young baby to care for, a household to upkeep, my gran had just died, I was banned from her funeral by my ridiculous excuse for a mother. Oh but my wonderful friend 'made allowances' for my baby's impact on my social movings. Clearly not, as it only took 3weeks of not talking for her to throw away those 8yrs, without even having the guts to actually tell me that.
And so, I've finally had to admit that I'm lonely. It's a sad realisation.