Too long...

I can't believe it's been so long since I have written anything, and even longer since I shared anything. Not that anybody reads this so I suppose it doesn't really matter.

I've had a long hard look at my life tonight, and it turns out that actually, I was very wrong about a lot of things. I've also been right about a lot of things, but I have indeed been equally very wrong. I've discovered I push people away, largely because they annoy me, but also because I'm scared of being hurt. I used to have some really great friends, and yes they had their faults, and so did I, but in reality I never thought that they would drop me one by one. The first, my best friend since the first day of secondary school, well, I ended up sleeping with him. He claims I ruined his life. I realise now I should have stopped thinking with my lady bits, because I made a huge mistake that cost me the best friend I'd ever had. Then there was the girl I thought of as the sister I'd never had. She turned into a robot; only speaking when spoken to, no initiative of her own where the friendship was concerned, never there for me when I needed her, as well as an unfounded precedence and self-awareness that made her believe she was better than me. So we argued, I said things I didn't mean, and I said things I absolutely did mean, but needless to say she didn't take it well. Pointed out that if I thought her to be such a bad friend, then what did that make me? She did say if I could apologise that she would be there for me. Turns out that was a lie. Lastly, there was the girl who never really fit in, but understood how I felt about our other friends, and how I felt towards life too. We shared the same goals, though she was certainly well on her way to achieving hers, whilst I was being left behind. But I didn't resent her for it, she was meant to go on and do great things, and through no-one's fault but my own, I was meant for less. One day, she decides she doesn't want me in her life, because she was 'sick of [me] never being there for her'. In 8yrs of friendship, this was the first time I had not acted as her therapist, and justifiably so! How on earth was I to know she desperately needed a shoulder to cry on when she made no attempt to tell me? It's not like I had a young baby to care for, a household to upkeep, my gran had just died, I was banned from her funeral by my ridiculous excuse for a mother. Oh but my wonderful friend 'made allowances' for my baby's impact on my social movings. Clearly not, as it only took 3weeks of not talking for her to throw away those 8yrs, without even having the guts to actually tell me that.
And so, I've finally had to admit that I'm lonely. It's a sad realisation.

Puzzle

My mind is like an intricate maze,
For you and I keep losing our way
When it comes to the topic of pain.
You watch my tears fall like rain;

Big, fat drops, streaming down my face,
You delve deep into my thoughts and race
To fix the broken well of desperate emotion;
Ironic that it is you that caused this commotion.

You want me to forget his soft touch,
Throw away the memories and push
Away his name, his self, his being.
You want me to carry on seeing

Your face when I talk to you, but
I am yet to look at you and shut
Out his beautiful face before me
And I cannot even muster a sad, selfless, sorry.

I remember when he and I first met;
Within one amazing month I was in debt
To him, for he loved me like no man
Ever had, ever could, ever will. But you ban

Him from my heart, forbid him entry
As you stand between us, a sentry
To my love. I feel him in the night,
When you take his place and I bite

And scratch as you learn to please
My insatiable appetite, as you tease
Me into submission of your game,
But in my head I’m not screaming your name.

Two pieces of a picture-perfect jigsaw puzzle;
He would finish, clean up, roll over and nuzzle
Into my neck, breathe in my scent and softly
Whisper ‘I love you’, and kiss me gently.

Me and him, we fit together; snug
Entwined every way as I lean in for a hug,
You and I, and I say this smirking,
I’m just not into you, this isn’t working.

Broken Toys

Take a look around you at these people in their seats,
Each and every one of them is living by the beats
Of those hearts they once knew and loved,
Until the day came when their affections were shoved

To the ground and shattered, and there is nothing to be done
As they are lost and vacant, for their lovers have won
The lives of other painted dolls and armoured soldiers,
And the weight of their pain is the death on their shoulders.

See how they are scattered across the dusty floor,
Left alone and broken right outside the door.
All unwanted toys of helpless human emotion,
Suspended in the imagined world of devotion.

Discarded without a second thought, we cry
Ourselves to sleep each night, and we try
To comprehend in our crushed minds just where
It all went wrong, and in our cold and empty stares

There is no sign of recognition or motion,
Because we have already drowned in the vast ocean
Of cruelty and despair, and no matter how many
Lifeboats you send, we will not be rescued by any.

When you have loved once, you’ll never love again
Because a piece of you is missing from this pitiful game
Known fondly, formally, to the best of us, as life
Though deep down we know in reality it is strife.

And yet we still wait; feeble and meek,
Day after day, week after lonely week
For that one maker who can transform our pain;
The one who gives us sunshine through dismal rain,

Their heart in a smile, and love in an embrace,
But until then we hide behind this painted face,
And in our eyes the sadness runs through to our minds;
Our existence but a story that bonds and yet binds.

Running With The Wolves

When I say I’m running with the wolves,
You may only stop and wonder.
So to save you from your confusion,
I’ll describe to you this thunder.

My mind is chaotic with this lightning;
It’s illuminating my failures to you all,
So breathe deep this revelation,
As I describe to you my downfall.

My heart is slowly dying;
Pierced with this poisoned blade
Of indignation and lies.
Soon the steady beat will fade

And die. He stole his heart back,
Left mine to become bitter and rot.
No longer content with me,
He searches for a time he forgot.

Now I am lost and empty,
Alone in this dismal horror.
I must find my escape,
If only a while I may borrow.

You will wake in the morn,
And as always I will not be there,
But know that I love you,
And for you I’ll always care.

I have found my path
And followed it on.
My Guardian has received me,
And so I must be gone.
But leave behind your tears,
As I have left my own,
With them I have left my Spirit,
To guide you all the way home.

So tonight, I’m running with the wolves.

Fortune Cookies

Some may call it coincidence, others a sign. Whichever, I wish I knew in my mind exactly what I wanted from this mass of feelings inside my head before I become too brash. At one time, I would not have looked, but now I find myself hooked on his every word, catching my breath as I listen to the voice he has left in my waking thoughts, making my morals loose then taut. A subtle touch, a hand on mine, what does he want? I thought we were fine as just good friends, but why do I find that I want more than my fair share of his attention? I do not want all this tension, but I cannot help but think we could be good, perhaps if I had stood my ground, we would not be going around in these damn circles all the time, and I would not be looking for the perfect rhyme to tell you how I’m feeling when you flirt with my emotions, skirt my promised devotions, leave me reeling.

There’s a secret romance blooming! Go for it, in spite of your hesitation.

I should not ask the burning question, but what if?

That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Darlington’s Own Morecambe and Wise

Bring me sunshine through the picture frame,
A perfect pair caught in a moment of tame
Delights; a pose and shadows from a dial,
And always, always, that smile.

In your smile I see the spinning playground
As we tumble and twirl about and around.
You bring me high above the rafters,
Always, always, with that laughter.

Bring me laughter through the rain,
Drive away this murky disdain
With your infallible serene style,
Always joyous, all the while.

All the while I wonder how I found
Such a friend as you to be bound,
And I thank the clear blue skies
For my very own ray of sunshine.

Apologies Thus

The first time you do anything, it's always going to be difficult. Even if it comes naturally, the nerves beforehand make it hard to believe you can ever succeed. So, when I decided to enter a competition where I have 3minutes to impress an audience and panel of judges with my words, I think it is fair to say that I am really feeling the horror of sharing my work for the first time with people I have never even laid eyes on before in my life! I feel that I must share my few advance apologies:

Hell, I'm not afriad to say it,

I am scared shitless!

My apologies thus,

If my words seem witless.

^. .^