Fear

I am failing to comprehend just why my mind's irrational behaviour has increased over the years, and even more so since my arrival at university. As a child, my only real fear was spiders, and that was based on my mum's fear of the quick little buggers. Once I hit secondary school, a new fear had presented itself to me; bridges. Gephyrophobia took hold of my life, and why? Because as a child my father had dangled me from bridges by my wrists or ankles. Though quite why my mind decided to wait until secondary school to remind me of just how awful bridges are, I know not. And then, as I hit my teenage years and had my first real boyfriends, I found my urge to reproduce overwhelming. I became very maternal, wanting nothing more from life but to have my own family. But with this came the fear that the thing I wanted most, I may never have. The very thought of not being able to have my own children makes me want to break down. Of course, there's always the option of adopting, but that will never compare to the feeling of having my own child growing inside me, and then holding my child's tiny frame fresh from the womb.

The weird thing is, these fears seem to be reiterating themselves, as if I've forgotten them. My mind has apparently begun this process with spiders. I panic now when I see them. I freeze, I sweat, I feel sick, I cry.

Fear; it's a strange old thing.